Perceptions and Expectations

My longest-held job is also my current one: stay-at-home mom. Yes, I've done this full-time for more than 12 years. On the side I've taken occasional and varied part-time or freelance jobs, but I'd hardly construe such employment a career. But now I'm ready for a new phase in my life, and I've decided to join the full-time work force. After such a long absence, I expect the process to take a little longer than it might for others, so I won't be disappointed if my transition takes up to a year.

I just really need something big and challenging to sink my teeth into.

Something different from what I did all those years ago, pre-children.

I have an idea for the direction in which I'd like to head. It's new for me, but I feel this pull in that direction. In fact, I've felt and suppressed that pull before in the past. This time, I'd like to follow it and see where it leads.

But I can't traverse it it blindly and alone. So this week I met with a career coach. Although I had done some research so I could come prepared to the initial consultation, I wondered: would she think my aspirations were doable for me? I know I'm a woman with with a rather spotty resume, but I feel I have the intelligence and drive to do something new, and do it well. In her professional and detached view, would she agree with me, or would she find me to be a woman with unrealistic expectations and an irrelevant skillset?

We all have a perception of ourselves. Just as others have perceptions of us. Often they do not match up. When we find differences, we may try to change theirs or change ours.

But this time, I was relieved to find that the coach's perception of me largely matched my own. We were both easily able to see where my strengths and passions lie and where I'm going to need her nudges. Some tasks will be fun for me, and I'll fly through them easily. Others will seem like unappealing work. But I'll have to do it all.

I feel like I've taken the first right step toward a right direction for me. I'm energized, and not overwhelmed, by the additional preparation that lies ahead for me.

Which is good, because there's a lot of it ahead.

Taking Matters Into His Own Hands

He's a dreamer, a wisher, a hoper, and a wanter, that son of mine.

Just the other day, after I had reminded him of a practical aspect of some situation we were discussing, he exclaimed: "Stop, Mom - You're putting too much reality in my fantasy!"

He always assumes the best-case scenario will magically materialize, and he never concerns himself with practical means or contingency plans. {I guess that's what I'm here for.}








Last weekend, our family went to the Auto Expo at the convention center downtown. We go most years, mainly because my son has had an interest in cars since before he could verbalize it. And it's actually useful to have all those cars in one place when we're in the market for a new car. But this year we aren't, so we let our son lead the way toward the cars he wanted to see, and the rest of us followed along.

Typically, he makes a beeline for the high-end luxury or sports cars. They fit nicely into his fantasy world.

So I knew something was up when his beeline was toward the plainer, budget-minded cars and small SUVs. Not just once, but time and again.

Could it be? I wondered. Nah, I countered, he's only 12.

But I mentioned my suspicion to my husband, and we both watched our son more closely as he continued to look at the practical, low-cost vehicles.

Yes indeed - the boy appeared to be car-shopping! Amusing, we thought.

After we returned home, he made another beeline - this time toward his computer. After an hour in seclusion, he emerged and was ready to talk. He confirmed that he had been car-shopping because, after all, he'll be 16 years old in less than four short years!

So, my fantasizer had turned into a practical planner - at least in this instance. He was looking for a new car that would be affordable for him. And the right size: not too small (we have told him we don't want him driving a sardine can on the highway), but not too large (so he won't be in the position of having to chauffeur lots of other kids around). Once he had narrowed down his choices to just a couple that he liked, he came home to check the price with options he would realistically want. After that, he subtracted the savings he currently has from the sticker price, and determined how much money he would need to save in the next three years and ten months. And then he wanted to brainstorm the ways that a 12-year-old could earn money.

Although my husband and I got quite a few chuckles from this somewhat premature and entirely unexpected car-shopping endeavor, I am really proud of my son. Until now, I wasn't sure if he would ever grow up to join us in the real world. (Not that I want him to fully give up his grip on fantasy - I sometimes wish I hadn't give up mine so early in childhood.)

But now I see that when it's something that's important to him, he does have the skills to compare and contrast, analyze, and plan.

Now if I could just get him to do that with his homework...

Under His Belt

My son attends a different school than my daughters. While they ride the bus, he carpools.

Driving him and the other kids hasn't been a problem all these years, yet I was thrilled when the oldest boy in the carpool turned 16 and got his driver's license in December! Now I pick up my son only when he stays after school for activities. Otherwise, our young friend drives him to and fro.

He's a good, responsible kid whom I've known for a decade. I have a lot of trust in him.

Still, we've gotten a lot of snow this season...

And then he told my husband that he'd slid off the road recently.

Whew! I was actually relieved. The conditions of his mini-accident were really quite ideal: He was driving with at least one parent in the car. There was snow on the ground, and gaining experience with that snow was the purpose of the drive. Nobody was hurt, not even the car.

So now he knows.

He knows he's not invincible. He knows how his car reacts when driving in slick conditions. He knows how it feels to lose control of all that steel, despite his best intentions.

Now he'll be an even better driver. One with experience under his belt.

What Was I Afraid Of?

I should have known it wouldn't be as bad as I'd feared.

Fearing miscommunication, for three weeks I put off a task that I felt ill-equipped to perform.

But I could put if off no longer. So having never learned French - I took Spanish in high school - I took out my English-to-French phrase book, picked up the phone, and punched in the number.

The woman who answered, in French of course, pleasantly replied "Yes" to my hacked "Parlez-vous anglais?" I was relieved! We were able to have a very detailed conversation - thanks to her English proficiency, of course, and not any speed-thumbing skills of my own.

As I hung up the phone, I couldn't help but smile at the timing. Didn't I just write about overcoming fears? That the dreaded moment would come and go - with much less drama than anticipated - and life would move on?

I guess I just needed a little reminder that, really, I had nothing to fear but fear itself.

Time to Move On

Things just aren't right anymore. The negativity is building, and it just seems impossible for things to change for the better. In our years together, the good times put a big goofy smile on my face. But the bad times made me feel disappointed.

It's frustrating when you know how good it could be, yet isn't.

But I've put it off for too long. I've given him many chances. Communicated my desires, as well as what I feel is missing. But the situation is just not improving. I want to be "wowed" again.

Though I'm reluctant, I know it's time to move on.

Yes, it's time to find a new hair stylist.

It'll Be Okay

The other night I served on a discussion panel for parents of children who are transitioning from a school for the deaf to a typical school.

This transition is what they've been waiting for, yet for those parents, every step they take is fraught with indecision and uncertainty. I know, because I wore their shoes five years ago.

They're wondering: Where should I enroll my child - our local public school or a private school? Should we hold him back or enroll her at grade level? Will his teachers know how to accommodate him in the classroom? Will he even need accommodations? Will the typical children understand her hearing loss, or make fun of her? Will he make friends? How should I orient the teacher to my child's hearing impairment and associated devices? Will she need help academically? Have I taught him adequate self-adequacy skills? And dozens more questions...

These are valid questions. They do require thoughtful consideration. But what I tell the parents is this: Next fall, your child's first day of school will come and go. He will be fine. You will be fine. She will make friends, learn, and thrive. Do your research, learn from others, but above all trust your intuition. You'll know what to do.

Although my purpose there - along with the others on the panel - is to offer help, what these parents may not realize is how helpful they are to me. They help me appreciate where my family is now by reminding me from where we've come.

The anxiety seen on their faces and heard in their questions is simply a mirror of anxieties I have felt. Remembering those moments of my own, and how I overcame them, is important for me as I help my children navigate their next challenges. And there are always next challenges.

So thank you, dear parents, for reminding me: No matter what my fears are today, we'll get through it together. It'll be okay.

Surpassed

It was bound to happen eventually. It's happening now.

My children - and their friends - are developing skills and talents that surpass those of my own. And it is such a beautiful, uplifting process for me to witness.

They started out so tiny, of course. I was much bigger than they. And better at everything. From the day they were born, I could eat more neatly, color in the lines more precisely, run faster than their toddler legs could carry them, reach things up higher, spell better, and do thousands of other things better than my babies could. Obviously.

But they're not babies anymore. My girls can sprint faster than I can. My son can explain any technology better than I ever will. One of my daughters has such a gift for song that some nights, after I tuck her in, I linger outside her door just to hear her sweet voice as she performs a concert for her Webkinz. The other daughter is a faster reader than I am. {I'm not slow - I just never got the hang of skimming. Afraid of missing something important, I read every word on the page.} My son seems to have a desire - a need almost - to compete in triathlons, whereas swimming and bicycling hold negligible interest for me.

Likewise, my kids' friends are developing some amazing aptitudes that I admire. One is becoming quite the creative and knowledgeable photographer at the age of 12. Another writes imaginative and engaging short stories with ease. Yet another is destined to become a famous cinematographer someday, as evidenced by his talent and intuition behind the camera at the ripe old age of 13.

Yes, it was bound to happen. And I feel so fortunate to see it unfolding before my very eyes. Someday, I'll be able to say, "I knew them when..."