Sleepless

Usually, I sleep well. I go to sleep at around the same time each night. I sleep straight through the night without waking up. I wake up at about the same time each morning.

That's why last night was so unusual and unsettling for me. I couldn't sleep. Or rather, I couldn't stay asleep. Evidently, I was nervous about running my first half-marathon in October. I'd wake up, thinking the race is tomorrow, but I haven't trained enough. Then I'd wake up later, thinking the race is tomorrow, but I don't know how to get to the race start. Then again, thinking the race is tomorrow, but have I planned well enough for my nutritional needs while running? And again, thinking the race is tomorrow, but will I wake up on time? And on and on throughout the night...

Fortunately, as I grow older, I can distinguish the sleepless nights caused by my unconscious telling me I'm making a bad decision, versus the sleepless nights caused by excited nervousness. Last night's episode was the latter.

I mean, what's the worst that can happen? I fail to achieve my time goal? I have to walk part of the race? I get the flu the night before and have to skip the race altogether? Really, while any of those scenarios would be disappointing to me, none are irreparable mistakes. I'd just try again the next time.

I'd rather live my life with challenges that cause me to get butterflies in my stomach than live my life never having taken risks. The challenges allow us to test our limits. To prove we can do what we didn't think we could. They make us feel alive and alert and the good kind of nervous and exhilarated and emotionally, spiritually, and physically fulfilled.

So I've had a sleepless night. It's the first in a while, but it won't be the last. I woke up exhausted, yet alert to my anxieties. Now that they've been so clearly defined through my dreams last night, I can consider them in the light of day, logically addressing the ways in which I can avoid some of the scenarios I fear.

But I do hope I get some sleep tonight.