Alone, Not Lonely

She silently walks over, stands in front of me, and looks up at my face.

"What are we going to do next?"

My daughter is on spring break. All of my children had a week to themselves this spring. With three kids at three schools and three different breaks, they've each had to cope with some downtime alone.

Of course, we've done plenty of activities together. But not 24/7. Some of the kids deal with the non-24/7 thing better than others.

This child always has a tough time of it. She's a twin, and the assertive/dominant of the two. Yet, despite her assertiveness, dominance, appearance of self-confidence, tendency to be opinionated -- you get the picture -- when her twin is around, she's completely different without her sister.

She's totally and completely lost without her. She's lonely.

So she turns to me as her surrogate.

But her twin -- the follower, the passive one, the one you'd think would not be able to cope without her "leader" -- doesn't have this problem. She loves the time she spends with her sister, the rest of the family, her friends, but she doesn't rely on them to have a good time. She knows how to be alone.

It's the difference between being lonely and being alone.

But I'm their mother. I can't stop at just identifying this difference between the twins. If I assert, as I do, that it's my job to give my kids the tools they need to become successful, independent adults, then I need to teach the lonely daughter how she can enjoy time by herself. Spending some time alone, pursuing one's own pleasures, is a necessary and unavoidable part of life.

I can't teach this by ignoring her, not by frustratingly stating, "go find something to do!" This doesn't help her. She doesn't know what to do. She feels a sense of loss without her twin nearby. So I show her our plan of activities we're going to do together, and then we make a plan of the things she enjoys that she can do by herself.

Today is Day 5 of her spring break: the last day she'll have to spend without her twin. We've done a lot of fun things together, and a few things alone. I think she's more comfortable with herself today than she was on Monday.

All in all, we've had a good week! Still, she's counting the hours until school's out for her twin. And, I confess, I'm counting the days until Monday, when all three kids are back in school.

Because when I'm alone, I'm not lonely.