Convergence

When I was a teenager and young adult, I inadvertently, or sometimes deliberately, held myself back from experiences. Or I'd have the experiences, but not be fully present in them.

I had an idea of what I was good at, what I was horrible at, who I was, who I could become, who wanted to be around me, what I could achieve, that wasn't fully formed. Frankly, those ideas weren't always accurate. I set aside many talents or interests I had as a child because I thought someone wanted me to do something else, or I thought I wasn't good enough to do the thing I wanted to do. I was just trying to do the "right" thing and be the "right" person -- and, as a result, I wasn't really me. So I didn't really know what was right for me, after all.

In the process of trying to do things a certain way, but finding out that I can't force some experiences and have them work out the way I'd planned, I've learned to operate more on intuition and less on obligation. I'm happier now. And I've realized that many of the things I'd like to achieve in my life are rooted in my skills and interests held, yet forgotten, since childhood. Yet all those missteps were not taken for naught, as they were crucial steps for my becoming who I am today.

In fact, as I look through my Top 10 list from September, at least half of them are derived from childhood dreams that I'd pushed aside for many years.

In allowing my intuition to guide my actions more these days than ever before, I've also become aware of my process for deciding on a meaningful course of action. Before a course of action becomes clear to me, I'm aware of an impending convergence of experiences, thoughts, knowledge, possible outcomes, etc. These factors feel like a cloud that lacks structure but seeks it. I can feel lightning in those clouds; there's electric energy occurring, making connections from one area to the next with bolts of light directly linking one to the next, illuminating some space around it, but only briefly. I'm aware of these connections taking place in my mind as I go about my daily routines.

This impending convergence used to make me feel uneasy. So I'd rely on what I thought I was supposed to do, what others wanted me to do. Not anymore. I have patience and I trust myself now.

From experience, I know that eventually, one day and without warning, the cloud evaporates in an instant and the entire path or decision is laid out clearly in front of me. It's that a-ha moment -- the lightbulb clicking on -- the moment of clarity!

I'm in one such cloud right now. I know the moment of convergence is near. What I don't yet know is how it will work out. But it will.

I have one degree in education... Another in journalism... I like to write... I want to write... The premature birth of my twins has enabled me to gain unique life experiences in raising them... I want to help them... I want to help others... I have an interest in cognition and meta-cognition, particularly among school-age children... Et cetera... Something is happening here. Unlike Robert Frost's road that diverges into two, mine is a crooked, winding, hilly path with multiple divergences. Sometimes I take this path; other times I take that one. But I can tell that they all converge at one point in the distance. I can't get there until I've traveled here first.

But I can feel the convergence is imminent!