Homework and Hard Work

Struggles are tough enough to bear when they're my own.

But when they're my children's? Excruciating.

Yet I know that struggle is so essential to human growth. My job as parent isn't to remove all obstacles for them. It isn't even to show them the path around the obstacles. Well, not every time, anyway.

My job is to model the successful maneuvering of objects in my path. To model coping with the obstacles that just won't budge. To allow them to find ways to succeed despite impediments. And to help them (but not do for them) when they're really, truly stuck.

But, oh, it's just so hard. This is what "they" mean when they say parenting is the hardest job of all. It's not physical childbirth. It's not changing diapers. It's not even choosing whether to stay home with the children or go back to work.

No, the hard part really is allowing them to do the hard work and even to make mistakes. Biting your tongue when you really want to solve their problems for them. Listening calmly and using diplomacy when talking to their teacher, or the mother of their friend, after you've gotten only your child's side of the story. Making them look up that word in the dictionary, even though you could (1) just tell them the definition or (2) look it up for them in just a few seconds. Making them figure out what note that is, instead of glancing at the sheet music and spouting it out. Making them sit down with their friend to communicate what's bothering them, instead of letting them just fume away, or calling the other child's mom to resolve it for them. Letting that D on a test stand without e-mailing the teacher to request a retest. Making them stay up an hour past their bedtime because, darn it, they have to get that homework done, rather than saying, "It's all right, sweetie. You get to bed. I'll explain to your teacher why it didn't get done."

My son has had a tough time juggling extracurricular obligations, social conflict, and homework requirements the past two weeks. I've had a tough time watching him deal with this tough time. There's a fine line between helping him and doing for him. But the fine line is invisible! So, sometimes I cross it. Sometimes I don't get close enough. I hope that most of the time I walk exactly on it. But even that is stressful.

I don't know who is more relieved that today is finally Friday -- he or I. He needs some downtime. I need to see him relax a bit. He's grounded, so he can't play with friends or watch TV. And it's too cold, really, to play outside. But he'll find a way to relax (he always does!).

In the meantime, my hard work with the other two continues. We're in the midst of negotiations with our school district as we seek educational accommodations for one daughter. We're also in the midst of working with medical professionals to figure out why the other daughter had that seizure last week.

Despite all this, I consider parenting a privilege. I'm certain it's enabled me to experience more growth than I ever would have experienced otherwise. And more joy. But I won't lie: It is truly the hardest thing I've ever done, and some days I'm just so tired of it.

But I also know this: There's an ebb and flow to everything (there's that water metaphor again). This is a particularly challenging time in my parenting life, but it won't last forever. The issues will resolve, the schedule will get better, life will return to an easier pace. And that will last a little while before the next parenting challenge occurs.

And it's these hard times that make those light times so sweet.